Seeing Double

Not going to post here for now. Site's at "blog.findingjoyhere.com"

Just Go

It's a bit overcast outside this morning, but I feel as if a great weight has passed. And as I read, Paul's encouragement rings in the verses I read:

25"Now I know that none of you among whom I have gone about preaching the kingdom will ever see me again. 26Therefore, I declare to you today that I am innocent of the blood of all men. 27For I have not hesitated to proclaim to you the whole will of God. 28Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers.[a] Be shepherds of the church of God,[b] which he bought with his own blood. 29I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock. 30Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them. 31So be on your guard! Remember that for three years I never stopped warning each of you night and day with tears.

32"Now I commit you to God and to the word of his grace, which can build you up and give you an inheritance among all those who are sanctified. 33I have not coveted anyone's silver or gold or clothing. 34You yourselves know that these hands of mine have supplied my own needs and the needs of my companions. 35In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.' "

Acts 20:25-35

I can just hear his voice and passion shining through the passage. His exhortation is in desperate times, but for the gospel, he never considers himself in a desperate situation.

. You be lifted high.

Everlasting God

Everlasting God ... that is all I can remember from Sunday morning. I can't find the lyrics of the song, but these are the only words that I can remember. These are the words as I walked to work this morning, staring into the sky, taking the moment to marvel at what He so beautifully painted before me.

But not everything translates for some reason. I can feel and I can see the goodness of God around me, yet I am still fearful of certain things. I know Abba Father will be there to lift me up and see me through, but yet these heavy and deep thoughts flood through as a mighty wave breaches the towns gate.

I was sitting there jamming tonight, since I finally have my guitar back, and singing From the Inside Out, over and over again. I can't though, I can't without a heavy heart, I can't without something deep inside wrenching. Right now there is such a mix and turmoil of emotions and thoughts inside me that I shouldn't even be blogging.

I don't like this; I don't like not having peace. It was progressing so nicely, so orderly, why all of a sudden these floods of thoughts that I cannot get rid of. I had given everything that I held in my hand to Him, I had even put a stake there, why am I so troubled now.

I know there's His will, but certain things have me so weighed down I cannot differentiate anything at all. I suppose He is enough, His grace is enough, I've experienced it and I've even exhorted others with it.

Now in the midst of whatever this is, I am desperately holding onto that.
Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for all He is to me, and all that He has done for me; I guess now, just too many things hitting me at once, even though I really have no right to let out even a peep.

... everlasting God.

The Thorn

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses ... in hardships .. in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am Strong.

2 Cor 12:8-10

I've been reading a lot and reflecting a lot the last couple of days. There have been many thoughts, some thoughts that date back as far as CC and others that are newly being brought forth.

The verse above hits home now, because now that things have settled down, God is choosing to show more of who am I to me. Yes, I usually readily admit my weakness, but inwardly, I still have a tendency to judge in certain situations. When theology rubs me the wrong way, when I see a church falling apart. I used to think that it was purely a righteous anger, but lately I'm not so sure anymore. It seems everything that I have been taught and have experienced warrants that the wrath of God go out to those who are destroying His church (many times, unknowingly), and yet, that is the same wrath of God that I escape because of the cross.

We have always talked about the need for a paradigm shift as Christians to embrace weakness, to be more transparent; and the list goes on. Some have succeeded, others find it a really hard pill to swallow. The truth is, facing yourself and your weaknesses is a painful process. Seeing the ugliness inside, the inability to love, the impatience, it is somewhat discouraging, but it keeps us humble.

And it is here that I have to interject about leadership, about keeping it all together. We as Chinese are cliche to keep everything together to "save face" as it were. It's been handed down to us from our families ever since the sun started shining. It's difficult for us, especially in the Chinese church to openly admit that anything is wrong; a pastor's family is expected to be all nice and neat, if there are any messes, it is encouraged that they get cleaned up in private.

Even having sat on some leadership circles, I can see this. There might be a flat out opinion that is offered in reaction to a decision that has to be made, but never is there any effort to go beyond that, or rarely does the person even offer up a hint of what is going on. And as leadership goes, those that follow them go. There is a loss of genuinity and transparency. People walk around with layers of onion on them, reluctant to share with even those closest around them.

And so we have strong, headstrung leaders who are sharp as an arrow when it comes to competency, fully and well-versed in scripture and theology..and the list goes on.

For those of you that know I am looking for a church, I have promised myself one thing that I will fight to do. I will not go in with any assumptions, any attempt to evaluate the effectiveness in terms of leadership, or decide whether or not they are doing things "right" and how I like them. Instead, I will go in with an open mind, and see where God wants me to go.

I'm tired of going places with high expectations that, in reflection, are many times self-serving, and missing out what God wants. It is very interesting this place I find myself in. I am usually vulnerable to those I trust. But I find myself vulnerable in a place that I don't feel comfortable in. Which is perhaps, what God wants for the moment.

Like that thorn (although in a much deeper way) kept Paul on His knees and needing God to fully satisfy Him and make him strong, I find that is the place that I come to. And as uncomfortable as it feels, yet paradoxically I feel that I must embrace this, whatever it is.

I shared this with a friend sometime ago, and I realized I just read it again, in a different book today. But it bears repeating, especially with what I find myself pondering again:

I asked God for strength that I might achieve,
I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health that I might do great things;
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.
I asked for riches that I might be happy;
I was given poverty that I might be wise.
I asked for power when I was young that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness that I might feel the need for God.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for,
But everything I hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am, among all people, most richly blessed.

Prayer of an Unknown Confederate Soldier

All things, all things

Hope you'll be blessed.

Find Me In the River

When God asks you to drop something, He expects you will work to not pick it up again, that in your trust you will leave it at His feet. Sometimes, just sometimes, if you pick it up again, it becomes all the more harder to give up, and perhaps out of His grace and mercy He will choose to snatch it away from you; all part and parcel of His will.

So, today is one of those days that I felt the snatching; not that I didn't know it was coming, I knew it. I just denied it. And it's so hard to give it up now that He, in his grace and mercy has taken it away. Or at least, He has helped me.

After work today, I wanted to go for a walk. And then I got the silly idea to go to the lake and ponder. You have to understand, the lake here, and the lake in Kingston are two different matters entirely. Albeit it was a nice day, so I walked down Erin Mills Pkway and just kept on walking, and walking, and walking.

I walked until I hit the Petro Canada plant, and then the lake. Stopped there, and just sat. I swear I would've yelled, I kinda did, but I didn't want people to come running to my rescue and then get all embarrassed explaining that nothing was wrong. And that was it. I put it down again, and I know it won't be the last of the battle, but I nailed a stake into the ground at the end there. And those of you with whom I've shared the stakes I've put down know they don't fade from memory easily.

I've realized I'm weak; I've realized I need Him as much as my last entry said. I've realized that I am nothing without Him. I've realized that I've been spinning around in circles, and now is a good time to stop.

I don't understand; yet I do.

As I walked back, I pondered even more; crying out and giving everything to Him. Whether He has to snatch it, or whether I lay at His feet willingly.

Echoing loudly as I watched the sun set by the highway were the words:

Find me in the River
Find me on my knees
I've walked against the water
Now I'm waiting if you please
We've longed to see the roses
But never felt the thorns
And worn our pretty crowns
But never paid the price

Find me in the River
Find me there
Find me on my knees with my soul laid bare
Even though you're gone
And I'm cracked and dry
Find me in the River
I'm waiting here

All things, all things work for the good of those who love Him.
Here's holding onto that thread of truth...

All I Need

You are the source of the life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of you

I need You Jesus
To come to my rescue
Where else can I go
There's no other name by
Which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow you

This world has nothing for me
I will follow You
This world has nothing for me
I will follow You

I feel like I'm the last of everyone who should be singing this song.
I feel like there's those out there who have more pain than me, and I haven't even hit the tip of the iceberg.
Yet, I feel like I need Jesus to be my all, as much as it appears I still have everything.

There's something about having gotten used to so many things and not knowing what true pain is because I have simply been blessed so much.
And so when the slightest thing is taken away, it feels painful; and yet there are others that have more a right to feel it than me.

It's a scary prayer to ask God to shake your world upside down for the kingdom.
So scary that when He does it you wish you hadn't prayed that way.
And yet, He's all I need, and could ever want.

So confused now.

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.