The Thorn

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses ... in hardships .. in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am Strong.

2 Cor 12:8-10

I've been reading a lot and reflecting a lot the last couple of days. There have been many thoughts, some thoughts that date back as far as CC and others that are newly being brought forth.

The verse above hits home now, because now that things have settled down, God is choosing to show more of who am I to me. Yes, I usually readily admit my weakness, but inwardly, I still have a tendency to judge in certain situations. When theology rubs me the wrong way, when I see a church falling apart. I used to think that it was purely a righteous anger, but lately I'm not so sure anymore. It seems everything that I have been taught and have experienced warrants that the wrath of God go out to those who are destroying His church (many times, unknowingly), and yet, that is the same wrath of God that I escape because of the cross.

We have always talked about the need for a paradigm shift as Christians to embrace weakness, to be more transparent; and the list goes on. Some have succeeded, others find it a really hard pill to swallow. The truth is, facing yourself and your weaknesses is a painful process. Seeing the ugliness inside, the inability to love, the impatience, it is somewhat discouraging, but it keeps us humble.

And it is here that I have to interject about leadership, about keeping it all together. We as Chinese are cliche to keep everything together to "save face" as it were. It's been handed down to us from our families ever since the sun started shining. It's difficult for us, especially in the Chinese church to openly admit that anything is wrong; a pastor's family is expected to be all nice and neat, if there are any messes, it is encouraged that they get cleaned up in private.

Even having sat on some leadership circles, I can see this. There might be a flat out opinion that is offered in reaction to a decision that has to be made, but never is there any effort to go beyond that, or rarely does the person even offer up a hint of what is going on. And as leadership goes, those that follow them go. There is a loss of genuinity and transparency. People walk around with layers of onion on them, reluctant to share with even those closest around them.

And so we have strong, headstrung leaders who are sharp as an arrow when it comes to competency, fully and well-versed in scripture and theology..and the list goes on.

For those of you that know I am looking for a church, I have promised myself one thing that I will fight to do. I will not go in with any assumptions, any attempt to evaluate the effectiveness in terms of leadership, or decide whether or not they are doing things "right" and how I like them. Instead, I will go in with an open mind, and see where God wants me to go.

I'm tired of going places with high expectations that, in reflection, are many times self-serving, and missing out what God wants. It is very interesting this place I find myself in. I am usually vulnerable to those I trust. But I find myself vulnerable in a place that I don't feel comfortable in. Which is perhaps, what God wants for the moment.

Like that thorn (although in a much deeper way) kept Paul on His knees and needing God to fully satisfy Him and make him strong, I find that is the place that I come to. And as uncomfortable as it feels, yet paradoxically I feel that I must embrace this, whatever it is.

I shared this with a friend sometime ago, and I realized I just read it again, in a different book today. But it bears repeating, especially with what I find myself pondering again:

I asked God for strength that I might achieve,
I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.
I asked for health that I might do great things;
I was given infirmity that I might do better things.
I asked for riches that I might be happy;
I was given poverty that I might be wise.
I asked for power when I was young that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness that I might feel the need for God.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for,
But everything I hoped for.
Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered.
I am, among all people, most richly blessed.

Prayer of an Unknown Confederate Soldier

All things, all things

Hope you'll be blessed.